Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Forth, The Interview

"Hello, and welcome to the Weighty Topics and Meaningful Issues Broadcast. I'm your host Provolone Happenstance. Today we are honored to have in our studio, Forth, who is just been released from Grammatical Observation and Rehabilitation.

Hello, Forth, it's an honor to have you here with us."


"Thank you Provolone, it's an honor being here. Or *sniff* anywhere really."


"Forth, to recap for our audience your story began when Hence tragically took his own life rather than continue to live a lie and be associated with fraudulent activity."


"Actually my story begin thousands of years ago along with Hence's, the problem is I never received the kind of exposure Hence did. You simply don't see 'Forth' standing out there, alone. because of my reliance of Hence as a sort of introductory partner, when he was gone, I wasn't ready to stand on my own, I mean, how useful if 'Forth'?"

"We've always been 'Hence forth' and I never really minded playing second verbiage. Hence knew he could go out on his own, but we'd already been through so much together, Old English, New English, that he felt we had a grammatical bond."


"Forth, tell us how you ended up in Grammatical Rehab."


"Well, I sort of fell apart when Hence died. I wasn't sure if I could be truly useful linguistically anymore. I mean, take Forward, she's been around for years and does great as a solo act. But, you never hear anyone shout 'Forth!', do you?"

"I felt diminished and formal. Sure there's 'And So Forth' but I'd always been a two word team, didn't think I was ready for a bigger act. And 'Go Forth!' is always so violent, always conquering, pillaging, that sort of thing."

"With Hence, well, we had a sort of weighty optimism about us 'Hence Forth' always signaled change, meaningful change. Whereas 'Sally Forth' just reminds everyone of that comic strip. No offense, to Sally, I mean without her and So, I wouldn't have made it."


"I can see your literal dilemma. What was the turning point for you?"


"The turning point came when well, I reached the end of the page, so to speak. There I was, seemingly without rhyme or reason. For awhile I tried the all caps thing, but FORTH! just looks silly, you know? "

"Then one day it hit me, all this time I thoughtHence was carrying me, but in fact, what is Hence without Forth? Hence just sits there, kind of hanging on and I understood why he felt he couldn't go on. See, all the bold and CAPS and over usage just made terribly clear to everyone what he'd known for years."

'Without me, there is no going forward. No, 'and from now on' or 'throughout the rest of time' sort of nobility about it all. Just an empty shell of what used to be a meaningful partnership. I blame her, I really do, because if she would have paid attention, she would have known Hence was in no shape to be spotlighted like that. The literal burden was simply too much."

I've since learned from Furthermore that Hence was reading that Thesaurus before he leapt off it. It was the truth of what he'd become, thanks to that 'woman' that drove him to take his life. I think he wanted to spare not only himself, but me as well, it was only a matter of time before her pomposity drove her to use me as well."

"I think, in the end he was protecting all of us, Furthermore in particular. "


"So what's defining you these days? "


"Well, as I mentioned So and Sally were crucial in my recovery, Go also played a part when he was home from the War. But what I'm really excited about the new direction I'm going in as Forth there's a whole new virtual world out there I never knew. Governed my a group of people so rational as to be devoid of any desire to interact, much less blather on and on online."

"So that's my focus for now. I never would have wished this tragedy on anyone, but in a way, it's opened a new door for me. Furthermore and the others have been nothing but supportive."


"It's good to hear something positive has come from this. In the meantime, listeners should know there is a literal fund set up Hence's family. Dangling Participle is currently managing that fund and we will be listing his address on our website. "

"Forth, thank you so much for being our guest. Your story is an inspiring and moving one. Hopefully, soon, there will be a cure for Cronic Verbal Abuse so that tragic loses like Hence will not be suffered by another weighty and meanginful word."

"This is Provolone Happenstance reminding you to choose your words carefully. And thank you for listening."

Sunday, August 9, 2009

We'll be back. We'll ALL be Baaaaack!

We are vacationing with family this week in a secure facility. Wish YOU were here...

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Thursday, August 6, 2009

A Moment of Silence

We regret to inform you that Hence, rather than continue to live with the abuse and association, committed suicide by leaping of the edge of a Thesaurus.

He leaves behind his wife Futhermore and two small conjunctive adverbs, Consequently and Therefore.

A service will be held at Websters and the family asks that in lieu of literary contributions, that a exclamation point be planted in his honor.

In a related incident Forth was committed to Grammar Check for observation. Hence and Forth were often in each others company and Forth is left bereft, , word has it that So and Sally have stepped forward and offered to assist Forth with placement.

*photo by

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Hello? HeLLo?!

"Texas Tax Office, may I help you?"
"This is the little old lady who lives down the street and.."
"Ugli? Is this you?"
"Nooooo, it's just me, the little old.."
"Ugli, we have you on caller ID"
"Yes, it is me, Deep Throat again."
"You know, ME! The 'Crusader For Bringing Handmade Artisans to Their Knees'person, with another hot tip!"
"Oh, so this IS - - this is Ugli, again." *deep sigh*
"I prefer Crusader Goddess but whatever - - I have new information on a person who has had an Ebay account for 8 years - - AND they now sell online - - AND they don't have a Paypal business account - - and they listed a bead as CHERRY colored when clearly it is Vermillon!"
"Ugli, look we don't have time to send Larry out again and.."
*Larry makes wide sweeping motions with arms and sign of the cross*
"No! I have SCREENSHOTS! And a receipt! And I found this old posting they left on a CNN forum saying they drove an SUV - - They are badddd, badddd to the bone!"
"Look, Ugli, we appreciate your efforts but you have already called in 76 tips that cost our department our holiday in Vegas so really, we can't.."
"But just today they posted online that they are adding a new line! And you won't get your tax dollars! It is leather goods!"
"Its my lunch hour, Ma'am, I really have to go now..."
*makes crazy sign with finger beside head*
"But DO THEY TAN THE LEATHER AT THEIR HOUSE? I AM A CONCERNED CITIZEN! Do they pay taxes on the cows, the feed, the hay, is their house properly assessed as a livestock stock yard - - WHY are you NOT taking this seriously!?!?"
"Ugli, the lunch specials at Carlos' end in 5 minutes, I really have to go.
Thank you for.."
"You are NOT going to eat lunch when these FRAUDS are stealing money from.."
*waves madly to co worker mouthing "Call my name!"
"Oh, see that? Gotta go, tax emergency!!"

*anon source for article and another for the visual.
What, you thought I got ALL the glory?

Friday, July 31, 2009

See you Monday!

Adoring Public

It is I, Lord Underpants Douchebag Saltine Cracker Hat. You may rise.

As you know, Princess Twirling Twatnut Girdle Snapper has among other various twitchings and eye crossings, some exceedingly smelly and scabrous infection. One of our Adoring Public sent this card in today.

We are delighted and expect, nay, demand that the rest of you follow suit. They will be posted here as evidence of your ongoing adoration and proof that we are, in fact, totally legitimate. Because everyone knows if you post it online, it IS true.